Why I Can't Tell You

Although there is a very unsettling feeling every time a day passes by that I am still unable to tell you how I really feel about you, I still cannot gather all the strength needed to confess. If only the consequences of my confession were simple, I would have told you right from the very moment when I knew I liked you. But boy, it was that complicated! Primarily, there are my personal issues that I have to overcome myself before disclosing how I feel. The other thing is the impression you would make of me the moment you knew --that troubling possibility that you would go away from me. 

YOU'RE STILL INTO HER AND YOU LONG TO HAVE A LOVE LIFE

I don't want to look like I'm taking advantage of your situation. If I tell you now, you might think that I'm telling you only because I know you're in an emotional dilemma towards her, and that I'm using it for my own gain. Or say I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel, say you also like me (I'm not saying that you do, just one what-if), I would always think that you settled for me because I am the one available. And you know that I don't like the idea of being second best.

I MIGHT NOT BE SURE IF THIS FEELING IS REAL (but if I'm feeling this, it must be real, right?)

I have been disconnected from my familiar world where I used to have my job that kept me busy. I hate to think that I'm having this feeling for you because you are the one who accompanies me through this moment of confusion in my life, but I also cannot discount the fact that it could be one of the reasons. I feel that I am being so selfish if I confess when, in the first place, I am not at peace with my own feeling.

WE ARE FRIENDS AND I DON'T WANT THAT TO CHANGE (need I say more?)

UNSENT

Dear YOU,

We have known each other for years. We have been friends since I can't remember when. I have told you about so many stories about myself many times over. I even confided with you my innermost feeling about my past boyfriend --about how he was my great love. You have been always a very good friend so I trust you lots of things about myself that I would rather not tell other people. I am not afraid to expose my insecurities to you because I know you would not judge me in any way. I share all these with you because you are my FRIEND.

For some time, we had lost communication. We had lived our lives separately. You banished from my life stripping me of one good friend from my possession. We are good friends but still, you and I managed to live without each other.

You reappear in my life, we're becoming friends again as we used to be. We start hanging out again, telling and listening about each other's stories. I have been always aware about who you are as a friend. But this time, I am gradually unraveling your beautiful soul. I am fascinated with your take on friendship, family, success, and life as a whole. You let me peak through the heart of a person who acts tough but is genuinely caring and loving. It is as if I am meeting a whole new person and I am slowly falling in love with that person --with you.

And now, you would suddenly appear in my thoughts and my mind would flashback the discussions we previously had. I would find myself waiting for you to start a conversation with me through texts or chats. I always look forward to you inviting me to hang out. In all of the conversations that we had since I started liking you, there were so many times that I wanted to tell you how I feel. When you're telling your stories about your job, or that funny friend you had at work, I would always imagine myself stopping you and kissing your lips. The times I wanted to tell you how much I like you are the times I also opted not to because I am afraid that the cost of my confession is our friendship. And I am not ready to give up our friendship yet. I don’t even know if the time will come that I'll be ready to tell you how I feel about you. I am not even sure that this feeling will last. It will be unfair to both of us if I tarnish our friendship with my confession.

Love,
Cho