Infidelity

From when I was born until few weeks ago, I could not really understand people who choose to have two boyfriends at once. For me, it was sort of being not contented to someone. When a girl has two boyfriends, I used to think, back then, that she loves neither of her boyfriends. I believed that loving someone means to be happy for everything that your partner has and for anything that he doesn’t have. It is too idealistic, I admit, but if you can’t love someone completely, then better not love him at all.

Imagine you have a boyfriend for seven months now, and your first two months felt just so intense. On the first two months of your relationship, you were confident that your relationship will last long because he made you feel as if you were his princess. Though you were not texting each other so often because he is not fond of texting, he made sure that he checks up on you three times a day. When you were with each other, he looked as if he was always interested to hear your stories. And then, the feelings changed with no notice, no slow transition. When schooldays came, atmosphere between the two of you had become colder. You had been unconfident to the love he had for you. When you were together, you just stare blankly to each other- when it is in movies, staring blankly to each other seem so sweet but between you; it is uncomfortable, uneasy and awkward.

Now, you are little by little becoming fed up with your situation with him. Good thing, your ex-boyfriend suddenly texted you and said he’s sorry about everything he did wrong. From then on, you were seeing each other without the knowledge of your current boyfriend.

My principles about love started to change when the exact scenario happened to me. I know what I was doing was wrong, but I felt pepped up again when my ex-boyfriend and I were together. Days with him made me remember our love way back a year. We did almost everything; we were carefree, crazy and wild; we could laugh whenever we want; we could run even in a mall, on streets, anywhere; we talked about anything and said anything without hesitations; without thinking about what the other would feel because we both knew that either of us could understand.

As much as I wanted to tell my boyfriend what was happening between me and my past lover, I also wanted to keep the feeling of being loved and happy again. I want to be honest with him, but even I was confused with what I am feeling. Since my past boyfriend and I had been going out a lot, one thing had been clear to me- I never really loved my boyfriend and I never really intended to love him. I just pretended that I was moving on so I decided to have him as my boyfriend but the fact was I can never get over my ex-boyfriend.

I know what to do and that is to end my relationship with my boyfriend. I just don’t know if I am ready to do it. I don’t know if I can explain to him why I am breaking up with him. In fact, even I don’t know the reason. Is it because I don’t love or I want to be with my ex-boyfriend? Is it both? I DON’T KNOW!