Crazy Stupid Love

I'm kidding myself this past few months. I keep telling myself that I no longer love this ex-boyfriend I just broke up with. But the truth is, I still love him. In spite of all his flaws and shortcomings, I still think of him, always. The only thing different now is that I don't think about us, together. I used to daydream about us being a family - marrying, living in one house,  having children, watch our children grow and being with him till the day I take my last breath.

I pictured him as my soulmate. I've been a prisoner of that idea that he's for me and I am for him. I lost sight of the fact that, it is only I who is thinking about it. I forgot that soulmates are two people looking in the same direction, not one person looking at another and fantasize about being soulmates with that other person. I was so blinded of what I want which is having a perfect life with him that I lost track of thinking about what I deserve.

This is the first time that I will admit to myself that I deserve a better person than he is. When we were together, I let my idea of the lover that I deserve subside with the idea that loving a person is about accepting who he is and who he is not. The big problem is that, in the process, I lose sight of myself. I lose the real me. Because I make myself believe that he is the right one for me, in spite of the fact that he is not exactly the guy I have in mind but continue to love him anyway, I forget to be the girl I really am.

I forget to live that girl's idea of a lover. Someone who is willing to do great gestures for love. Someone who truly cares for her. Someone who looks at her as if she is the most beautiful creature ever created. Someone who is not afraid to show his insecurities just because it might be a sign of weakness. Someone  who sees her as one fine piece of art even though she is full of imperfections. Someone who knows exactly how to show how deeply  in love he is with her. Or just simply, Someone  who respects her. So from this moment, I promise myself not to justify my future partner's shortcomings. Instead, I will make myself be deserving of the right person I want to have so as not to be confronted of the situation where I need to say, "in love, there is no complaining". No more of that.

For the last time, I will say that, yes, I still love him. But I will not let that love take myself away from me, again. I will do my best to scrape that love off my heart so that I can clearly see where the little pieces of me have gone to put them back altogether. Most importantly, find out that there is such love where I get to keep who I am and yet be with the lover I deserve.